"You are not ready."

I have a confession to make.

I am extremely selfish. Beyond selfish. Are there any other words stronger than selfish? My thesaurus says self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-serving, wrapped up in oneself. Selfish.

Those of you who know me may not believe it. Those of you closest to me (my husband) may strongly agree.

But its true. Today I am thinking, what are my plans and what do I want to do today that is going to make me the happiest.

So God has sent me on this little journey across the country with no hope of going back. And I don't exactly know why I am here. He didn't tell me His plan, He just told me to go. But if I look ahead, it gets even scarier because He may want me to do things that cause me to give up even more.

And how do I spend my days? Moping, crying, analyzing everything and measuring it up to what I had before, and asking (no begging) God to take me back. Or even worse, searching for jobs for my husband that would take us back. Or worse, feeling so depressed all the time that I tell God that it would be easier if He would just bring me home to Him!

I read a quote by Abraham Lincoln this week. He said, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

I really like this quote, enough that I am memorizing it. It sounds very wise.

Only problem is that I don't want to make up my mind to be happy! I am unhappy. I am crying on my bed, kicking my feet, screaming my lungs out unhappy!

Do I sound selfish to you yet?

So I begged God. More like told God. Can You please tell us what we are supposed to do here? I can't stand feeling like You made me leave everything for no reason!

And He calmly, quietly, lovingly told me, "You are not ready."

And I calmly, quietly, sorrowfully...agreed.

I am not ready to do any great work for God.

I want back my friends, my playdates, the worldly beauty of my surroundings, my comfort, my fun, and my life where I get to choose what I am going to do today.

I want a life free of waiting, trusting, and anxiety. I want a life where if I am in my Bible fine, but if not, I have my friends to encourage me. I want a life where if I pray, fine, but if I forget, my worldly surroundings really provide me with everything I need anyway.

So here I sit depressed and paralyzed. My sin has made me weak and foolish.

So I tell God, I know that I am not ready, but I want to be. But deep inside I know this isn't true.

In Mark 10:17-22, a man asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. In verse 21, the Bible says that Jesus looked at him and loved him. He then looks into his heart and sees what it is that is keeping the man from Him. Then He asks him to give it up. In this case, it was all of his worldly goods.

Jesus wanted the man to treasure Him above all else. He said follow me and leave everything. The man's heart was not really in a place where he was willing to follow Jesus no matter what the cost. Outwardly, it may have looked like, but Jesus looked at his heart and knew a different story.

But Jesus loved this man and wanted him to see that He was good. Jesus wanted to help this man live a bold life for God. One that encouraged others to see that God is better than any earthly possession.

But the man left discouraged. He wasn't ready to lose everything for Jesus.

And that's where I am. I am not ready.

But I have hope, because regardless of my selfishness, Jesus has looked at me and loved me.

He has seen something in me that I can't see. He has taking "my world" away from me and called me to be on mission for Him. He knows I am not ready to do whatever it is He has called me to do, but He has promised me that He will get me there no matter what it takes and how painful it is because He loves me.

And though I have no idea what He has called me to or how I will possibly get through this, I know this one thing. He is worth it.

(Disclaimer: Besides the Bible, I am reading a book called Risky Gospel by Owen Strachan. Many of these realizations have come from this book and I HIGHLY recommend reading it.)

The darkness seems great, life is hard, and the time is short, but true followers of the master -of God- are not to bury their heads in the sand, because God is in control. Risky Gospel p.29

My littlest prayer: That God would continue to help me grow and change and know that He is good no matter what