"You are not ready."

I have a confession to make.

I am extremely selfish. Beyond selfish. Are there any other words stronger than selfish? My thesaurus says self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-serving, wrapped up in oneself. Selfish.

Those of you who know me may not believe it. Those of you closest to me (my husband) may strongly agree.

But its true. Today I am thinking, what are my plans and what do I want to do today that is going to make me the happiest.

So God has sent me on this little journey across the country with no hope of going back. And I don't exactly know why I am here. He didn't tell me His plan, He just told me to go. But if I look ahead, it gets even scarier because He may want me to do things that cause me to give up even more.

And how do I spend my days? Moping, crying, analyzing everything and measuring it up to what I had before, and asking (no begging) God to take me back. Or even worse, searching for jobs for my husband that would take us back. Or worse, feeling so depressed all the time that I tell God that it would be easier if He would just bring me home to Him!

I read a quote by Abraham Lincoln this week. He said, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

I really like this quote, enough that I am memorizing it. It sounds very wise.

Only problem is that I don't want to make up my mind to be happy! I am unhappy. I am crying on my bed, kicking my feet, screaming my lungs out unhappy!

Do I sound selfish to you yet?

So I begged God. More like told God. Can You please tell us what we are supposed to do here? I can't stand feeling like You made me leave everything for no reason!

And He calmly, quietly, lovingly told me, "You are not ready."

And I calmly, quietly, sorrowfully...agreed.

I am not ready to do any great work for God.

I want back my friends, my playdates, the worldly beauty of my surroundings, my comfort, my fun, and my life where I get to choose what I am going to do today.

I want a life free of waiting, trusting, and anxiety. I want a life where if I am in my Bible fine, but if not, I have my friends to encourage me. I want a life where if I pray, fine, but if I forget, my worldly surroundings really provide me with everything I need anyway.

So here I sit depressed and paralyzed. My sin has made me weak and foolish.

So I tell God, I know that I am not ready, but I want to be. But deep inside I know this isn't true.

In Mark 10:17-22, a man asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. In verse 21, the Bible says that Jesus looked at him and loved him. He then looks into his heart and sees what it is that is keeping the man from Him. Then He asks him to give it up. In this case, it was all of his worldly goods.

Jesus wanted the man to treasure Him above all else. He said follow me and leave everything. The man's heart was not really in a place where he was willing to follow Jesus no matter what the cost. Outwardly, it may have looked like, but Jesus looked at his heart and knew a different story.

But Jesus loved this man and wanted him to see that He was good. Jesus wanted to help this man live a bold life for God. One that encouraged others to see that God is better than any earthly possession.

But the man left discouraged. He wasn't ready to lose everything for Jesus.

And that's where I am. I am not ready.

But I have hope, because regardless of my selfishness, Jesus has looked at me and loved me.

He has seen something in me that I can't see. He has taking "my world" away from me and called me to be on mission for Him. He knows I am not ready to do whatever it is He has called me to do, but He has promised me that He will get me there no matter what it takes and how painful it is because He loves me.

And though I have no idea what He has called me to or how I will possibly get through this, I know this one thing. He is worth it.

(Disclaimer: Besides the Bible, I am reading a book called Risky Gospel by Owen Strachan. Many of these realizations have come from this book and I HIGHLY recommend reading it.)

The darkness seems great, life is hard, and the time is short, but true followers of the master -of God- are not to bury their heads in the sand, because God is in control. Risky Gospel p.29

My littlest prayer: That God would continue to help me grow and change and know that He is good no matter what

How do I love where I live?

Love must be sincere.

 Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

Romans 12:9

So I continue to have a hard time with this move to Florida. 

I am not sure what is wrong with me, but I just do not like it here. I did not like growing up in this area and my feelings have not changed one bit now that I have returned 15 years later. 

But my husband loves it here. My family loves it here. And so many people I talk to just love it here. 

And I get it. It is beautiful, relaxing, and great for families. 

This is how Josiah feels about Florida, now why can't I feel the same

So what is wrong with me? Am I really just born with this predisposed opposition to South Florida?

I've been thinking about when we moved from downtown Seattle to Federal Way, Washington. Seattle is hip and cool, fun and exciting, and full of action and beauty. Federal Way has a bad reputation, high crime, and is sprawling and suburban. But I loved it. I thought it was beautiful and I rarely left to go back downtown. I could have seen myself living there forever. 

But why did I love Federal Way so much? 

As I reflect back, I can see that I chose to love it. I chose to get know the people who worked at our local shops. I chose to see the beauty and focus on the good instead of the bad. I chose to see the city through God's eyes and trust that he had a plan for me there. 

When I look at how the Bible defines love, it is always an action, not a warm fuzzy feeling. 

Jesus loved us by dying for our sins. Love takes work and sacrifice and selflessness.

I know this. It is so obvious, yet not always so easy. 

If I am going to love this city that God has brought me to, I have to choose to love it.  

So with the strength of Jesus and remembering all the ways he chose to love me, I am going to choose to love my city. 

I won't lie, my stomach churns a little when I say that..."my city". 

But God loves this city, and He loves the people here, and He has put me here. 

My littlest prayer: I am praying for my heart to change towards the area God has put me in. To cling to what is good. And to love the people here, the way Jesus has loves me, with sacrifice and selflessness.  

This is how we know what love is:

 Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

 And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

1 John 3:16 

Music Monday

Today's song was given to me last week by my husband. He knows that I am having a hard time with this move and he wanted to remind me to look to Jesus. Hope this helps lift your heart too.

My prayer for today: to Smile big so that other see that amazing love of Jesus.

The Littlest Prayer

"Prayer is no little thing, no selfish and small matter. It does not concern the petty interests of one person. The littlest prayer broadens out by the will of God till it touches all words, conserves all interests, and enhances man’s greatest wealth, and God’s greatest good. God is so concerned that men pray that He has promised to answer prayer. He has not promised to do something general if we pray, but He has promised to do the very thing for which we pray." 

~Edward M. Bounds

I  am feeling very desperate. 

Just a month ago I had what I felt was the perfect life. Amazing friends that only most people can dream of, a marriage that was better than ever, kids with joyful hearts and a love for their life, a church family pretty near perfect, a job that paid extremely well, and a deep and growing love for the place we lived. 

But we left it. We put everything on hold. We left it all behind. 

Why? 

I ask myself that everyday.

We feel that God has called our family to "build a bridge" from the Treasure Coast to Haiti. So we moved. And even though this is home for me, it feels so far from it. I miss all of the comforts that I had come to know of living in one area for all of my adult life. I miss all of the places that the kids and I enjoyed, the beauty of the mountains, and the fresh air that reminded me of God. Most of all, I miss my friends. I had really come to rely on them in most every aspect of my daily life. We truly lived life together. 

And now, I feel very alone. 

Yet I know deep in my soul, that I am not. 

Jesus is right here with me. He always has been. And now he is showing me just how much I depended on the incomplete joys of this world to find my satisfaction, and how little I depended on Him. 

I am so hungry to be known and unconditionally loved. And Jesus gave me a glimpse of that love through the amazing people He put around me. Then He took it away to show me that it was all to point me to my complete joy in Him.

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35

When I seek Him and believe in Him, I will never be hungry again. What an amazing  gift I was given to have people who were so Christlike in their love, that they almost looked like Him! 

But now it is time for me to see that Jesus is even more beautiful than that. And the thought of that blows my mind. 

So here is my littlest prayer: That God would awaken in me a spiritual hunger. My heart hungers for love, and I want to hunger for the only thing that I know will satisfy. Jesus.